Erik x WHO?
by beata-beatrix
Summary: Christine has left Erik...and thus begins the phan competition to find him a new pairing! Designed to make fun of ALL the pairings equally...some are more equal than others.Featuring me as Marie Sue! Bring earplugs CHAP 5 UP..EC,EM,ER,EN,EMGiry,EOW,EOC..
1. The 1st and last ever Miss Erik Contest

Disclaimer: A statement made to save one's own ass. I don't own ANY versions of POTO or any other movie/musical/book mentioned. If I did, wouldn't that negate all existance? 

I would like to thank sincerely those who review in advance. :-)

A notice: To all EC phans, I'm perfectly aware that EC stands for Erik x Christine, but for the purposes of what I'm doing, I'll have to :snicker : "reinterpret" its meaning. Erik is no version of Erik in particular, so he can be whoever--Leroux, Kay, etc.

(Just so long as he isn't Julian Sands. He didn't even have a deformity--and he's sexually obsessed with sewer rats! EEEWWW!)

The point of this phic is to make fun of ALL the possible Erik pairings: EC :screw the theme , Erik x Meg :FLUFFY , x Mme. Giry :Oedipus complex much::,Erik other woman :I'm flattered, but- , and even _pause for dramatic effect_ : SLASH. :GASP::

I'll try to make fun of everyone equally. All pairings all equal, but some are more equal than others. XD

And on with the show!

--------------------------------------------

Erik x _**WHO?**_

Chapter 1: The First and Last Ever Miss Erik the Phantom Competition!

_In Which There are Crappy Insults and EC Phans Attempt to Kill Me_

--

_As Christine rode off into the distance with her lover, the Vicomte Raoul de Chagny (ooh look, I can spell cause I'm in AP french), Erik sat there, unwavering, not even flinching. Where was he to go? What would happen now that his precious angel had forsaken him?_

Erik: This is the _worst_ birthday I've ever had!

_Suddenly, he heard a voice coming from the...gaping plot hole?_

_Indeed, as if time had stopped or a plane had broken the sound barrier, a deep gash in the plotline ripped open and in dropped a young woman not much older than Meg Giry or Christine, though her expression was one of genius--or insanity. Erik's first thought was to reach for the punjab lasso, but he was too shocked at her obviously AU appearance. It was triggering an emotion he'd never felt before: OOC._

Erik: Who the hell are you?

B-B: I'm the authoress, beata-beatrix.

Erik: Authoress? You're some sort of writer?

B-B: Yes... :cough :in a manner of speaking. I've come here to set up the end of this dark tale so that you'll be happiest!

_That did it. Erik hated when people made stupid assumptions like that. He'd have to correct her._

Erik: Alas, nothing can make me happy now that Christine has shown her love will never lay in me.

B-B: The phans disagree. Apparently, they have several different ideas as to who will make you happy.

Erik: That's ridiculous! No other person on this Earth could love a monster like me with more than pity!

B-B: Well, what about Meg or her mother?

_Silence and the dread crickets of doom._

Erik: Excuse me?

B-B: Apparently people think Madame Giry and you could be an item!

Erik::WTF...and a bit more of that OOC thing.. :

_There is a long, dramatic pause before he continues.._

Erik: And what do you think?

B-B: You see, I don't really know what would make you the happiest, so I'm here to test all of the pairings and see which works best.

Erik: And just how the hell do you propose we do that?

B-B::smiles : I'm glad you asked!

_An immense set of stagelights begins to rise as the jeopardy thememusic plays loudly in the background. The stagelights magically transform Erik's Lair (with the power of crappy CGI effects) into a stage that looks like it could have come straight from the Miss Teen Opera Pageant. Erik stares at this effect for some time with both fury (as she has completely revamped HIS lair) and awe (over the crappy CGI)._

Erik: If they EVER use that kind of transition effect in a movie about me, I'd PUNJAB them.

Joel and Andy::flee :giggle :flee :

B-B: Yes, well...Weeeeelcome to the 1st-and last-ever MISS ERIK THE PHANTOM COMPETITION!

_Love and Marriage begins to play in the background._

Erik: Is that REALLY necessary?

_Sorry. Switching back to Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky. Happy?_

Erik: Better. So this is some sort of drug-induced talent competition?

B-B: Sugar-induced, and YES! Now to introduce our panel of judges!

_:BASS : Drum Roll..._

B-B: Messieurs Richard et Moncharmin!

ALW Phans: Hm? Where's Andre and Firmin?

B-B::hands them the book by Gaston Leroux : Sigh...

Richard: My dear Armand, where the devil are we?

Moncharmin: I don't don't know, Firmin, but it would appear to have something to do with that non-existant Opera Ghost of ours..

_Erik taps them on the shoulders._

Erik: BOO.

R & M: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH::pansy :

B-B::cough : AHEM! The backstreet boy who really IS larger than life--Piangi Ubaldo!

Piangi: Do zshe jugeez getta orderves?

B-B::points to three large beefsteaks on judges' table :

Piangi::graphic eating action :

Erik: Just wonderful.

_After throwing up several times at his graphic consumption, Beatrix continues.._

B-B: And last--and I assure you totally least--VICOMTE RAOUL DE CHAGNY!

_Raoul enters, dressed to the nines, his long, girly hair cascading about his shoulders as he bathes in the light from the overhead stage lamps._

Raoul: This really does _nothing_ for my combination skin, you know.. :plays with his hair :Perhaps you could install some kind of cooling system?

Erik: WHAT::grasping lasso : WHAT THE HELL?

B-B: Most phans have noticed you and Raoul have similar taste in women, so he'll make a good addition. And if he doesn't you can punjab him.

Raoul::gawk : B..bu..but you're an RC shipper, BB!

B-B: That doesn't mean I like you,_** fop**_! (And it's B-B, I'm not from a George Orwell novel..)

Raoul: That's based on movie and musical continuity! I am NOT a fop!

B-B: Oh, really? Gaston?

Gaston Leroux:

_"The **shyness** of the** sailor-lad**--I was almost saying his** innocence**-- was remarkable. He seemed to have but **just left the women's apron-strings**. As a matter of fact, **petted** as he was **by his two sisters** **and** his **old aunt**, he had retained from this **purely feminine education** manners that were almost **candid** and stamped with a charm that nothing had yet been able to sully. He was a little over twenty-one years of age and **looked eighteen**. He had a small, fair mustache, **beautiful **blue eyes** and a complexion like a girl's**. Philippe **spoiled **Raoul."_

Raoul: I hate you..

Erik: I love you!

EOW phans: YEAH!

Erik: But not like that..

EOW phans: Oh, snap!

B-B: Yes,well, let's meet our contestants shall we?

_"Here She Is.." plays in the background as the stage lights up._

B-B: From the EC pairing--wait, what? E...C? That doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, it can't be Christine, because she already made her choice..

Raoul: Plus she's pregnant with my child, Raoul Jr.!

Erik::hands over ears : MARY had a LITTLE LAMB!

B-B: Well, who else in the---

Leroux phans: Academie Nationale de la Musique!

Kay phans: Opera Garnier!

ALW phans: Opera Populaire!

B-B: ---has a name that begins with C?

_The silent crickets of doom give us an encore performance._

Moncharmin:...umm...Carlotta?

Erik: WHHHAAAAATTT::urge to Punjab rising :

B-B: Well then, our first contestant is Senora Carlotta Guidicelli!

EC phans: No, C stands for :are drowned out by second round of _Here she is_ !

_Carlotta appears on stage in the pinkest outfit imaginable. Pink mink, pink bustle, pink leather gloves...Just pink.. She looks like a huge pink poodle (This is basically Minnie Driver Carlotta)._

Carlotta::looks at judges : _Ils m'aiment-ah.. :points at each one :il m'aime-ah, il m'aime-ah.._

Erik: Yeah, bien sûr je t'aime...faire du mal!

B-B: Thank you for participating, Senora. Now, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

Carlotta: Maia naim ees Carlotta Guidicelli, eh ah fwas born-a een Madreed fwhere maia momma tawt-a mi to a-singah!

Erik::cough : poorly :cough :.

Carlotta: And ah ATE im::points-ah at Erik :

Erik: I "ate" you too.

Piangi: Who ate what::eats more :

B-B: Okay, then... Our next contestant is the lovely Marguerite Giry!

_Meg walks on stage wearing her angel costume for the _Faust _production. This catches Erik's attention. Her long black hair is pulled back in a white ribbon and her green eyes seem to pierce through the very air (totally Leroux Meg, but Jennifer Ellison did a good Meg too). Her graceful stance is indicative of the many years she has spent in the ballet corps. She wears her ballet slippers. Suddenly, she utters an expletive._

Meg: SHIT!

Erik::snaps out of it : Oh..it's good ole Meg.

Meg::takes off toe shoes and hurls tham at ALW and Joel : I do NOT wear these offstage! They REALLY hurt to walk in normally!

_ALW and Joel run away in fear as she strecthes her toes and puts on strappy leather high-heel sandals._

Meg: Now that's more like it... :turns around and notices her surroundings : Where am I?

_She looks around at everyone and then sees Erik. She stops dead in her tracks._

Meg: Squ...squ..sque...

B-B: Um, Meg, are you okay?

Meg: SQUUEEEEEEEE!

_The dread crickets of doom are metaphorically on fire._

Erik: ...huh?

Meg: Ohmigod, it's Erik::phangirl :

Erik: Yes, Meg, it's me---WOAH! How do you know my name?

Meg::slinking seductively toward Erik : Oh, I know all about you, Erik :bites her hair seductively :...

Erik: Gee, Meg, that's really..uh..

Meg: Can I touch it?

Erik: What!

Meg: Your cape!

Erik: Uh...sure...

_Meg begins to massage Erik's back, letting the material of oh-so-sexy cape caress her. Erik seems to be digging it._

Meg::whisper : How does that make you feel, Erik?

Erik: Mmm...lower..

Meg::lowers voice : How does that make you feel, Erik?

Erik::not even listening : Right there, no...a little to the left..

_Suddenly, a dark and powerful voice booms from the side of the stage.._

B-B: MEG! No matter how much shipping I've done, you've no right to try to get ahead before we introduce the other contestants!

Meg: I don't want to get _a_head, just _some._

B-B::dragging Meg to the contestant booth : Sit there, and think unphangirl thoughts.

Meg::pouts : Fine. :thinks : _Raoul is hot..raoul is smart..raoul is nice..i want raoul (to give back my lipstick)...Goddamn bitch, I will have revenge..erik is our master..erik is our lord..._

B-B: Our next contestant is the hostess with the mostest--Madame Antoinette Giry!

_Madame Giry walks on stage and taps her cane to get attention. EVERYONE is completely and utterly confused._

Richard: Well, I guess he likes to keep it in the family..

Meg::gawk :

Moncharmin: Worked much on the opera's newest production of _Oedipus_?

Meg::raspy :M..m..mother?

M.Giry: Allo. I am Madame Giry, und I must say dat zis ees vairy awkvard four mee.I ahm eer to tell you zat I zink mah pairing eest stupeed.

Everyone, except Meg, who is having a seizure: We concur.

_Raoul walks over to Meg._

Raoul: I wonder what would happen if I stuck my hand in her--OOOOOOOWWWW!

_Meg has bitten down on Raoul's hand and blood is spewing everywhere. It's kinda funny...If you're a sick sadistic bitch like me._

Raoul::prying his hand out : PPPPPHHHILLLIPPPEEEEE! She bit me, Phillippe:: a la I love Lucy : WAAAHH!

_Raoul proceeds to run around the lair, flailing his arms and screaming like a baby, and finally ducks his hand into the punch boll for the judges._

Judges: Ewww...

Erik: As much as I have used metaphors about tasting his blood...I won't be having punch.

Raoul: Aaa.aa...aahhhhh...owwie..

B-B: New rule If a contestant is having a seizure, no one is allowed to stick body parts in his/her mouth.

_Meg wakes up light lightning._

Meg:What! Erik wants to stick his body part in my mouth!

Erik::defensively : No, I don't! I never said that! Define "in"!

B-B:: slaps Meg : GOD! I knew this would be fluffy, but you're a freaking phanbunny!

_B-B walks her back to her chair and fastens her into it._

B-B: Stay there, and try to think unfluffy thoughts.

Meg: Like Piangi x Raoul?

B-B: Excuse me... :vomits :

Makers of the Claude Rains version: Hmm...Raoul and the lead baritone? Interesting...

B-B: Madame Giry, please continue your introduction...

M.Giry: Szank you. I am Antoinette Giry, und I am ze ostess four box nawmbeer fahv. Und in ze ALW veersion, I ahm ze ead of ze ballet. Speaking of your box, Ereek, ven vill you be oosing it again?

Erik: "Vy" do you ask?

M.Giry: Vell, I left you dis gourmet dinner zere zree nights ago, und I'm afreed it's rotteeng.

Erik: You left rotting food in my box? Well, damn, woman! Get it cleaned. I pay you well enough don't I? 2000 kilos on the head of a concierge ring any bells?

Piangi: Zere est rotting food een box-a numbah five-a?

M. Giry: Yees.

Piangi: Hmmm...Rotting foood...hmmm :drools a la Homer Simpson :

_Piangi runs away to get the food. The dread crickets of doom now have their own phanbase..._

B-B: Okay..

Erik: As soon as he's done, I'm burning and reconstructing that box.

B-B: In the meantime, I'll have to replace him...I know!

_B-B runs backstage and reappears dragging the Persian behind her. He looks very afraid._

Raoul: oooh..the hand at-the-level-of-you-eyes guy!

Erik: Oh, hello there TRAITOR.

Nadir: Hello to you too, Erik...Hello phangirls.

Leroux phans: OMG ITS THE PERSiAN

Kay phans: OMG ITS NADIR!

ALW phans: Huh?

B-B: You have to READ it.

ALW phans: Oh... :actually open the book :

_Nadir sits down in Piangi's old seat, stands back up, cleans the small bits of food and three turkey legs out of it, then just decides to get a random box to sit on. B-B constructs run-on sentences to rival Faulkner._

Nadir::sits crosslegged on the fancy treasure box : Okay, I am ready.

B-B: We're having a contest to judge the best x Erik pairing. The contestants so far are Carlotta, Meg, and Madame Giry.

Nadir: Wow... :looks at Erik : You sure get around.

Erik: What have I told you about being smart, Nadir?

Nadir:...That you'll lock me in the coffin?

Erik::nods condescendingly : That's right.

Nadir::shuts up :

B-B: Welll, since those are the only pairings within the story, I guess...Wait, what's this I read?

_Reads: EOW--Erik x Other Woman, usually a mary-sued form of the authoress._

Erik: The authoress?

B-B: Authoress.. : a la Jafar : Why, that would be...Me!

Richard: But you're so..weird...

B-B::in Richard's face : Erik WILL marry me :echoes :

_Dread crickets of doom_

B-B: Sorry, I just had a completely out-of-POTO experience. Well, we can deal with that when it comes up. On to the talent competition!

_The contestants eye each other suspiciously. Raoul blows on his newly painted fingernails. Nadir maintains a safe distance from Erik. Meg flashes her garters at Erik as she goes backstage. Erik contemplates homi/suicide. B-B is **watching you**._

_--------------------_

Authoress' notes:

I know there are more pairings, and believe me, they are coming. Please review, because sometimes that gives me ideas. :-)

Now I have to type up a ten-page paper on 1984 by George Orwell. In case you hadn't noticed.

Conventions established:

EC: Completely disregards reversal of Leroux's theme/intended purpose.

EM: Fluffy beyond your wildest dreams.

EOW: Erik will MARRY :sue: me!

EM.Giry: Greek tragedy vaiting to 'appen. Erik has a mother complex.

Raoul: Is a FOP, whether you read the book or not.

Piangi: Has an eating problem.

Nadir: EXISTS.

Adieu!

PS- I am using a specific version of Erik, so we'll have a guessing chapter amongst the other characters. And the slash phic writers and will get theirs, don't you worry!

Kay phans: During the course of the next few chapters, you will probably hurt me for associating you with medicinal marijuana addicts. Sorry.


	2. Gitta Alon' Littla Doggehs

Disclaimer: Erik's roses are red, punjabbed Raoul is blue, me no own, you no sue.

This is the chapter where we start the actual competition. But before that, we have intermission!

The authoress thanks the following people:

**Beckswashere: **Yes, I agree...I'm totally exploding the fluffiness out of proportion though to make a satire! o 

**Music Angel no. 24601:** Sure! This chick did: http/trisste.tr.ohost.de/crickets/

**MasqueradingThroughLife:** Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you :gasp faint:

**torch baby: **Yep. I have a buncha of VeggieTales/Dogma fics out there to testify for me. And yes, people ALWAYS should read the book first! In its original language if possible. Believe me: Erik is hotter in FRENCH :drools:

**VagrantCandy:** Here's my dirty little secret----so am I. And here's how it works outside ALW: _Erik de Castelot-Barbezac._ And I was an Erik x Meg phan really since I read the book, simply because Meg is so much...better! for Erik in my opinion. Of course, I'll try to remain objective...

**eriksangelofvoice**: I'd throw Raoul out, but he essential to my intended effect. Curses. And I'm an RC shipper too, despite my hatred for both of them...

**SimplyElymas:** You are? Oh...I was hoping you had pressed the N key by mistake while reaching for the M one...Just to warn you: Nadir will be made fun of more, but in a nice way that will probably hurt the feelings of the ALW musical/movie version phans. Hint::ching: Masquerade!

And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:

--------------------------------------------

Erik x _**WHO?**_

Chapter 2: Gitta Alon' Littlah Doggehs!

_In Which Carlotta Thankfully (?) Doesn't Sing and Raoul looks at Shiny Objects_

--

_The contestants are readying themselves backstage as Erik and the other judges are playing Clue. Raoul is not included in this fun little activity because he has become preoccupied with 2 large, shiny objects in the back of the Creepy Lair of Music. _

Raoul: Oooohh, I can see myself!

_Nadir comes up from behind him._

Nadir: Hey, Vicomte de Foppy.

Raoul: (is still entranced by shininess of the shiny things)

Nadir: Raoul...do you know what those are?

Raoul: ...Shiny?

_As if he were playing Wack-A-Mole, he bonks Raoul on the head and proceeds to explain the significance of the shiny things._

Nadir: Raoul, these are _cymbals_.

Raoul: Symbols...of what?

Nadir: No, with a "c" Raoul. They're a musical instrument.

Raoul:...How do they work?

_Nadir bangs the cymbals together loudly over Raoul's (empty) head. The sounds echoes through the hallow space._

Raoul: O--oo-goog-goog-ooofo--goo-oooh..

Fopbashers: YEEEAAAAAHHH!

_Meanwhile, back at the judges box, the boys are finishing their game of Clue._

Richard: So the real murderer is...

Moncharmin: Erik

Richard: In the billiard room...

Both:_ With the rope._

Erik: I believe I win then, gentlemen...I think that's 70, 80 francs?

_Richard rummages through his pockets muttering "Checkbook, where is that checkbook?" nervously, as Moncharmin decides to change the subject._

Moncharmin: Oh look who it is! Hello Vicomte, hello Nadir, hello...gong?

_Indeed, Raoul and Nadir have returned, with a huge GONG. _

KAY phans: Did you say BONG? Woohoo!

_No, I said gong._

_Nadir has also decidedly kept the cymbals of shininess, in which Raoul is admiring himself._

Nadir: We can gong the contestants now! Years from now this will be a famous custom!

Erik: That's not half-bad an idea..(pictures Raoul pinned beneath the gong as he bangs it with the stick)...hehehe

_As all the judges return to their seats, B-B appears, ready for action. Please, anything, just some action. I beg you._

B-B: AHEM!

_Sorry. Being your alter-ego is somewhat frustrating. Anyway, it was time for the competition to begin, with our first contestant: La Carlotta!_

B-B: Good, but I'm the one who says...

Drum: (rolls)

B-B: LA CARLOTTA!

_La Carlotta appears on stage wearing a cowgirl costume. And yes, it is the most hideous looking this you'll ever see, because it is pink._

Erik: OH DEAR GOD!

KAY phans: But you don't believe in God!

Erik: (looking at Carlotta)...Not now I don't...(prays) _Please don't sing..._

Carlotta: Fawra maia acta, I villa not be-ah singeeg!

Everyone: THANK GOD!

Carlotta: I-ah villa dance wish my-ah doggehs vile ee singsah!

_Carlotta points to Reyer, who is holding an oligopoly (eight) of miniature poodles. His expression is, well...Think of the face you might have if you got an F on the George Orwell report you should've done instead of writing this phic. Yep, that's the look. Reyer was miserable._

Everyone: ...Or not.

Erik: My god, what is wrong with the management!_ Votre place est dans les chiffres, non les arts!_

_Reyer hands the poodles of ineptness over to the icredibly inept Carlotta. He then takes out an acordian._

Nadir: What the hell?

Raoul: It looks like a slinky..slinkies are shiny..

Erik: What did I ever do to deserve THIS?

_Reyer begins to play "Get Along Little Dogies" as Carlotta leads the poodles across the stage._

Carlotta: Now you-ah sing!

Reyer: (sarcastically) If my diva commands..._ It's your misfortune and none of my own..._

Richard: You can say that again.

_Please note that as Reyer sings, Carlotta is attempting to do-si-do with her poodles. And failing. The poodles are lacking in brain cells, as they were inbred, and cannot function without being held. They're just sort-of sitting there, watching Carlotta improvise. One licks its butt._

Reyer: Yes soon, Oklahoma will be your new hoooooOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooome!

_As the song finishes Carlotta strikes a "Daisy Duke" pose on stage as the poodles attempt to howl along with music. This doesn't work though, seeing as they are inept, and they end up just yapping incessantly through the last note._

Raoul: (opening his eyes) Is it over?

Erik: It has to be...I can't take it any longer!

B-B: So I take it you didn't enjoy the performance?

Erik: The only way I could've enjoyed _that _is if I were on some sort of mind-altering drug, like _morphine.._

Susan Kay phans: YEAH! MORPHINE! (trade needles) MORPHINE! YEAH!

ALW and Leroux phans: There is something very wrong with you people...

B-B: _Anyway_...It's time for the judges to give their scores. Rule: It must be a real, terminating number. Go!

Richard: 3...for Reyer's sake.

Moncharmin: 2.

Nadir & Raoul: 1.

Erik: How again is this a logical way to find me a mate?

B-B: It's phanphiction. I never _ever_ mentionned using logic.

Erik: Okay...0.

_B-B tallies up the points and gets her megaphone of loudness ready._

B-B: Can I get some sound fx?

Nadir: (_GONG_)

B-B: Carlotta's grand score is...7!

Carlotta: Iffa Piangi vera heer, I wooda hadda milliona!

Nadir: What happened to Piangi anyway?

_At a hospital nearby.._

Doctor J.: It's a..a..live turkey?

Nurse Lucy: What did this guy eat!

Piangi: (belch)

_But that's not important. What's important is that round two was swiftly approaching, and everyone's sanity was slowly escaping. Surely Madame Giry's act vould be less...hellish. In the meantime, Raoul found something...interesting in Erik's lair._

Raoul: Look! It's Meg! And she's all teh sex on your Creepy Throne o' Music!

Erik: (unspeakable OOC)

_Meg is lounging in practically see-through lace lingerie on Erik's throne, lit candles surrounding her._

Meg: Hello boys!

_Suddenly, B-B bursts in and yanks her away by her hair._

Meg: Bye Bye Boy!

B-B: I'm shipping you, all right--BACKSTAGE!

Meg: No, I promise I'll be good and not fluffy!

B-B: You need to practice for your act anyway..

Meg: (thinks) True...

_As everyone readied themselves for Act 2, Erik observes his throne o' music._

Erik: Hmmm...

_The chair seems to beckon him.._

Erik: (sits) hhmmm...fluffy...

B-B: Erik? What are you doing?

Erik: NOTHING!

_Erik raced back to his seat as the second act began..._

_--------------------_

Authoress' notes:

Meg in the lair: This picture exists. Type "Jennifer Ellison" in a google image search...but beware, she's sort-of the Britney Spears of the UK, so some of the pics are kinda--yeah... I just though it was hilarious how it looked like she was in Erik's Creepy Lair of Music! Look at the candelabras!

"Bye Bye Boy" is one of Ellison's singles. :-)

Reyer's cool. I like him.

In case you didn't notice, I tried to parody standard EC conventions, like intense fop-bashing, OOC, and psycho Raoul.

Madame Giry will be next, followed by Meg, then...you'll have to wait and see!

Hints:

M.Giry: Deserves a lot of tat for what she's got to give.

Meg: Her merits have been argued through history.

B-B: Flaunts it!

Raoul: Looks like a lady.

Nadir: Monkeys around.

Hope you all enjoy, please review!


	3. Ven Yeer Good To Maman

Disclaimer: If owned the Phantom, I hug him in the evening, I'd hug in the morning, all over his lair! But I don't own him, so I'll settle for my poorly made plushy version of him. Curses.

The last chapter was okay, but these next chapters will hopefully be better...And a note before we begin. A lot of people I've talked to have said I'm not counting the GOOD pairing phics out there. Yes I know, all EM isn't fluffy or all EC phics are a plothole waiting to happen. But MOST are. So I'm here to make fun of the MAJORITY, not isolate the little guy. I'm not saying all the phics of these sorts are THIS bad, just MOST of them.

"Maman" is French for "mama"

And now to the replies to the reviewers!

The authoress thanks the following people:

**VagrantCandy:** Ya think? She only seemed really scared of him in the ALW version, not Leroux. She was sort of intoxicated by him, if you will. Yes, it would be hard. That's why Meg's gonna do the sexy dance! Yeah, sexy dance!...I mean (changes subject) As for the Kay Erik is an atheist thing, most if not all the Kay-based stories I've read include some form of Erik's resentment towards God in them. Thus the lines I have the Kay phans and Erik exchange are to parody that concept. But who's to say it's Kay Erik yet? (hahaha!)

**MarikRules:** You're the good kind of ALW phan. You see the show, wonder about the book, and actually start to read it with the intent of understanding it. I respect you. And yes, Marik rules.

**torch baby:** We'll have more fun with French later on! Nadir fun with French!

**MasqueradingThroughLife: **(dies from thanking too much)

**Reltistic:** It was random? Really? Uh oh...I wasn't attempting to make it random, just constructively spontaneous. Yes, that's an oxymoron, but oh well. And enjoy Leroux. See it touch it smell it kiss it!

**Raine K. Grayson:** I don't think I'm "purely" anything...But yes, you deserve your drug addicted recognition! You are, quite literally, the needle in Erik's haystack.

**the Unrequited Lover: **Not as scary as what's about to happen...And I HAVE read decent stories, but the authors were still always worried about how much fluff to put in, or if they had too little fluff (they had too much, in my opinion)..and there are a lot of fluffly EC stories, but I think the EC phans got theirs enough already doncha think? (motions to La Cowgirl Carlotta) And remember, fluff is random sensual scenes added to keep the audience entralled. What I'm doing ins't fluff--it's hardcore sexual innuendo. And it's to make fun of the fluff. And look, we have people who are starting to read the book! Yeah (she and unrequitedlover dance around the happy pole of Lerouxness)! And Jennifer is the Britney of the UK! Yes, it's cool we thought the same words!

**SimplyElymas:** Thank you! Your reviews make me happy! And you guessed the hints! Huzzah. I have already planned some fun innuendo for Erik and Nadir, don't you E/N phans worry! It will be VERY amusing. :-)

And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:

--------------------------------------------

Erik x _**WHO?**_

Chapter 3: Ven Yeer Good to Maman

_In Which Madame Giry Struts Her Stuff and Erik Has To See a Therapist_

--

_The judges are now seated and awaiting Madame Giry's act. Moncharmin, Richard, Raoul, Nadir---well, at this point, everyone is avoiding Erik. Erik actually appreciates this, as he is having a rather difficult time with his anger at the moment._

Erik (to himself) Think happy, non-memory-inducing thoughts...(thinks) Raoul dead, Real impaled, Raoul publicly humiliated, Nadir chained up in my be--err...coffin...

Moncharmin: (from a distance, nervously) I say, Monsieur le Fantome, what are you pondering?

Erik: (thinking aloud) Meg naked, Authoress censored by government, (loudly) Managers publicy criticized over blatant homosexual relationship...

Richard and Moncharmin: NEVERMIND.

Raoul: Nadir, in the last chapter, I felt OOC..Why do I have these feelings?

Nadir: (blink) You were OOC? Oh, sorry, I couldn't tell the difference.

Raoul: Well, she made me look psycho and foppy. I'm not psycho, am I?

Nadir: No..(gives him a hug)

Raoul: Thanks,Nadir.

Nadir: ...You're too stupid to be psycho.

_As they finish their hug, Raoul walks away with a large piece of paper on his back that reads: "I'm wearing Christine's panties!"_

Nadir: Life is good.

_Just then, B-B appears onstage with a jazz band._

B-B: Are you ready! 5 6 7 8!

_The band starts up as Madame Giry walks on stage. A slow piano intro begins._

B-B: And now Ladies (motions to Raoul) and Gentlemen!

Raoul: (gasp) AH!

B-B: (snicker) The keeper of the keys : to every room in the Opera, The hostess of the clink, the attendant of box number five, Maman Madame Giry!

Madame Giry:

_Ask any of ze little ballet rats_

_Z'ell tell yu ahm ze biggest piece of---_

Audience: (saucer-eyed)

Madame Giry: _Class._

Audience: (sigh of relief)

Madame Giry:

_I'm always trutteful and never get fired by zee managers_

_Cause ze systeme vorks ze systeme called..._

_FALLING CHANDELIERSSSSS!_

Erik: (nervously) ...Huh?

_Madame Giry begins to strut seductively around the stage as swing music begins to play. She's doing innapropiate things with her cane. The entire viewing audience is too horrified and shocked to speak. Meg hears what's going on from backstage._

Meg: (hands over her ears) MARY had a LITTLE LAMB!

_Madame Giry continues to sing as Erik sinks deeper and deeper into his chair with agony. How I wish I were agony..._

Madame Giry:

_Gott a little motto_

_Alvays sees me zru_

_Ven yeer good to Maman_

_ERIK's good to you!_

Everyone: WHAT?

Erik: I did that because you handled the whole Phantom thing so well, not cause I'm in love with you or something, woman! You were like a mother to me!

E M.Giry phans: THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE HER! SHE'S THE MOTHER YOU NEVER HAD!

B-B: I haven't read a lot of M.Giry x Erik phics (mostly because there aren't a lot), but I have read Euripides. And this is a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. Besides, who's mother dances like that?

Moncharmin, Richard, Raoul, and Erik: Not mine.

_Nadir is silent. Everyone turns to him_.

Nadir: Well, my mother once bellyd--LOOK A BIRD!

_The rest decide to ignore him. Madame giry continues to sing._

Madame Giry:

_Zere's a lotta favors he ees prepared to do.._

_You do von pour Erik, he von't punjab you!_

B-B: Well, that's true.

Moncharmin and Richard: WE KNOW.

Erik: Yes, but M. Bucket had it coming.

B-B: Bouquet.

Erik: Whatever.

Madame Giry:

_Zey say to keep 'and at eye level, und to zat I adhere.._

_So I deserve some PUNJAB!_

(she makes a thrusting motion with her cane)

_Pour ce que je peux lui offrir!_

Richard: B-B, what did she just say?

B-B: You don't want to know...(she said "for what I have to offer him")

Nadir: PUNJAB is a place in Persia, not a sexual sound!

Raoul: It does sound sort-of thrust-y...Like "I want you to come here and PUNJAB me!"

_There is a long silence. Erik smiles and holds his lasso._

Erik: You really are stupid.

Madame Giry:

_Don't oo know zis black glove vashes zat von too?_

_Ven yeer good to Maman, ERIK's good to you!_

(she begins to strut her stuff all over the stage as the sexy swing music plays)

B-B: Erik?

Erik: (with his head buried in his hands) Mmph?

B-B: Do feel any urges to gouge out your eyes?

Erik: (muffled through sobs) MMPH!

B-B: I thought so...

Madame Giry:

_If you vant his favor, be an ingenue.._

_Belt it out pour Maman, Erik vill sing pour vous!_

(As she sings this line, she takes out a scarf and runs it up her body)

Raoul: That's Christine's!

B-B: Like the underwear you have on?

Raoul: (ignores her)

Madame Giry: (flings it into ze lake)

Raoul: NO! I'll save you scarffy!

_Raoul jumps in the lake and rescues the scarf. Leroux phangirls laugh at him. Well, everyone laughs at him. Even a few RC phans. Madame Giry continues her ditty..._

Madame Giry:

_Ven he asks pour his salary, contribute like ve do,_

_You put in pour Erik, he von't ruin you!_

Richard and Moncharmin: WE KNOW.

Madame Giry:

_Ze folks atop ze Opera_

_Are ze vons ze vorld adores.._

_So boost me up my Apollo's Lyre,_

_und I'll boost you up yours!_

Garnier: Stop all this rough-housing on my Opera House's architectural sculptures! (sobs and returns to the non-phic world)

Erik: (still muffled) If I can recall, that was an unhappy scene!

Raoul: That's when I kissed Christine for like an hour while you froze your balls off in the cold!

Erik: (clenching fists) MMMMMMPPPHHHHH!

Madame Giry:

_Let's all ship together, Webber,Kay, and Leroux!_

_Ven yeer shipping Maman, Erik can love ME too!_

_So vat's ze von conclusion I could bring zis box numbah five too?_

_Ven yeer good to Maman..._

_ERIK's GOOD toooo YOOUUUUUUUU!_

_Ah, YEES!_

Audience: (dead silence)

Madame Giry: Vat did oo zink!

Audience: ...

_Even the dread crickets of doom silent. Meg peaks her head out from behind the curtain._

Meg: I HAVE NO MOTHER! (sobs)

B-B: Meg, why don't you just get ready for your act, kay?

Meg: (from behind the crutain, through muffled sobs) MMPH!

_Everyone's attention turns to Erik, who has abandoned his judge's seat and is now over by his Dollhouse of Death._

B-B: Erik?

Erik: Yes?

B-B: How are you doing?

Erik: I don't know, you tell me. The love of my life just left me for the missing Hanson brother, my lair has been invaded by the people I loathe most in the world, and I have just been subjected to the torture of watching my last remaining mother figure defame herself on stage, how are you?

B-B: I'll just let you play with your dolls...Now, judges! Let's have her score!

Richard and Moncharmin: 5

_Everyone looks at Richard and Moncharmin._

Richard: What!

Moncharmin: At least she did the song well!

Raoul: I'll give her a 3.

Nadir: Zero. HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE THE NAME OF PUNJAB!

B-B: Nadir, try not to hassle the contestants.

Nadir: Or what?

B-B: Or I'll put you in an Albert Camus fanfic.

Nadir: (shuts up)

B-B: Erik..?

Erik (from far away) I ABSTAIN.

B-B: Understood...

E M.Giry phans: He can't vote because he loves her! Aaaawww!

Erik: No, you idiots, I abstain because you've defiled the beauty of our relationship by turning it from maternal endearment into passionate romance! I DO NOT HAVE THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX!

Kay phans: Yes, you do.

Erik: Fine, but it doesn't apply here! (runs off to sob more and break things)

B-B: I wish my therapist were here...Erik, come back, we need you for Meg's act!

Nadir: "Need" him? Is he a prop or something?

_A voice from backstage shouts "YES!"_

Nadir: ...Nevermind.

B-B: Alright, Madame's score is 8. Which means she's a better match than Carlotta!

_Erik nervously sits back down in his judge's seat. All the judges actually started to miss La Carlotta. She was horrible, but in a normal way. In a comic relief sort of way..._

_Nothing could possibly have prepared them for Meg's act..._

_--------------------_

Authoress' notes:

This chapter made LOTS of references to Leroux and the play _Oedipus Rex_. The point was to show that the relationship between Madame Giry and Erik , especially in the Andrew Lloyd Webber version, is beautiful because it's NOT a romantic one. She takes pity on him and protects and cares for him like a son. I really hate these phics. Especially the whole "Erik is Meg's father" thing some of them do. Christine has the Electra complex, dears, not Meg...as far as I know, Meg doesn't have a complex at all..

Meg: Nope, I'm totally sane (hides knives)

Yes..of course. The Raoul/Scarf thing is from Leroux. The song is "When You're Good to Mama" from _Chicago._ Most, if not all the lyrics have been changed. And Garnier popped in for a visit! I have to due my book review on French architecture now!

In Susan Kay's novel, Erik is supposedly attracted to Christine because she reminds him of his mother. So, in Kay's version he has an Oedipus complex.

You have to be really smart to get the Camus joke. I just read " The Guest" for AP Lit.

I suggest reading a good deal of the fluffier Meg x Erik phics before reading the next chapter (once I get it up). Here's what to look for:

The phic begins with the end of "Past the Point of no Return" _There's_ yeer sign.

Meg takes Erik's mask out out her pants/shirt/bodice/any-other-place-someone-who-didn't-study-late-18th-century-clothing-would-suggest.

Erik, for some unknown reason, will end up taking off Meg's clothes because she's wounded/wet/unconscious. Probably because she fell into the debris from the chandelier crash/ lake/ one of his traps.

Meg sings _Think of Me_ or one of Marguerite's Arias from _Faust _and Erik loves her..Oh! I'm sorry. Strike that. That's E/OC!

Meg has Erik teach her to sing/dance so she can become Marguerite (which name-wise she already is)/ Prima Ballerina.

Madame Giry walks in on Erik and Meg having...fluff.

Erik beats up Meg's foppy aristocrat suitor. Meg is thankful, because the suitor was an effing jerk. Like EC Raoul.

The phic will probably have no ending. And I will probably have reviewed it and told them I loved how it was E/M. What I didn't tell them is how unoriginal it was or their spelling mistakes, which I overlooked because I love E/M. But I will tell them now...I must run off and finish my homework to write you all another chapter!


	4. Bring on the FLUFF!

Disclaimer ALW (circa Red Death Erik) : THE PHANTOM IS MINE! He belongs to ME!

Me: Yes, he does, Andrew,yes, he does. But LEROUX is in the (drum roll) Public Domain! But not Good 'n' Evil, which is copyright Frank Wildhorn and Leslie Bricusse. Any other random stuff belongs to its respective owners, pas moi.

Special Note: I did not invent the saying that is part of this section's subtitle. Apparently it was coined by Reveurnoir and a friend of his/hers. I actually found it on a random livejournal icon. Technically, it's from a Big n Rich song I like. Anywho, this update will be the last for awhile, because my computer is dead. I also have to quit writing fanfiction for awhile due to more important things in my life, like college. When I resume my fanfictional career, it will be far away from here, probably on my private website (I just don't like the atmosphere here). I will finish Erik x Who, but its sequels (in process), as well as my POTO MiSTs will be archived on that site.

E/M phans: DO NOT FRET OVER WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN! Most of the EM phics I read are very good, except for one little thing: Erik and Meg are WAY too fluffy and WAY too fast. This chapter is to make fun of that aspect of EM phics, not EM phics themselves. Afterall, I'm an Erik x Meg shipper, so I'd be a hypocrite to say the pairing itself was bad. But some of you guys just need to SLOOOOOOW down and tone down the fluff. One of the best EM phics I've ever read didn't have any fluff until, like, chapter 5, and no sex until chapter 18 of the sequel. Too much fluff too fast can really turn the audience off--as you are about to see (snicker).

And now to the replies to the reviewers!

The authoress thanks the following people:

Araiona Dubois: Thanks for reviewing! Your humor phics are so great. And the word-of-the-day? Hah! But next time, try to read at a more discrete location if it's one of my phics..In fact, this chapter'd be a good time to find a quiet, undisclosed location. NICOLAE phangirl!

Orli's EEPs Chica: RANDOM! (runs off and cries) NO! It's SPONTANEOUSLY FUNNY! (sob). I'm glad you liked it dear, but for the record, if I don't say "random insert" then it ain't...If you read The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup, my Utena humor phic, you'll know what I mean by RANDOM. Oh! And thanks for updating your phic--Who is this Angel? It made my day. :-)

Beckswashere: You rolled of the floor laughing? You've made my day too,dear.

Karvian: You didn't catch the subtle South Park reference? But yes, real men play with dolls.

torch baby: There is a humorous comeback about that in this chapter involving Christine's stockings. And don't pity Meg quite yet (reads below)...

MarikRules: So sorry this chap took so long! It's been revised several times. Enjoy!

Nota Lone: I will in the slash parody chapters. (hee hee)

SimplyElymas: Not as dirty as what Meg's about to do..

lovesforgotten: Of course it's barf-worthy. That's why it's here. (grin) And the absence of the Persian causes a lot of problems. You'll be happy when you read the author notes from this chapter. :-)

VagrantCandy: You've just made the point I'm about to illustrate (rather graphically). Fluff is perfectly fine...but not three-hundred pounds of it.

To all other reviewers: Thank you for surviving this!

And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:

--------------------------------------------

Erik x WHO?

Chapter 4: Bring On the FLUFF!

In Which Meg Saves A Gondola And Rides The Phantom

--

_Moncharmin looked at his pocket watch. It was starting to get late. It was almost 10 o'clock._

Moncharmin: What the devil could be taking that girl so long?

B-B: I know! I sent her back to get ready like three times!

_B-B goes backstage and knocks on the dressing room door._

B-B: Meg, are you almost ready?

Meg: (from behind the door) I've just got to finish getting my costume ready!

B-B: Well, when you're done putting stuff on, let me know.

Meg: I'm not putting stuff on, I'm taking stuff off!

_Dread crickets of doom. (You missed them, didn't you? You chose them over the scorpion didn't you? For shame.)_

B-B: Umm...oh my.

_B-B hurriedly goes back to her seat in the authoress' table, and worries._

Erik: Is something wrong?

B-B: I'm frightened..

Richard: Aren't you writing this?

B-B: That's what frightens me.

_Just then, Meg appears onstage in a black leather corset with a short skirt with a bustle. She holds a riding prop. (There's yeer sign.)_

Meg: I'm ready!

B-B: (gapes) Oh my god! MEG! Is that what you're wearing!

Meg: Oh! oops..(rips off the bustle skirt revealing some very sexy black satin negligee)

B-B: (jaw drops)

Erik: MEG! You can't just...(pauses)wear...(wide-eyed)woah.

_Erik takes a good look at Meg's clothing (or lack thereof). "I Believe In Miracles (You Sexy Thing)" would be the ideal background music here. Meg's hair sways in the wind...wait, what?_

Raoul: (wielding one huge-ass paper fan) I'm telling you, the heat is doing NOTHING for my complexion!

Erik: I take that back, Meg. Have fun.

B-B: Meg, what song are you...

_B-B looks at Meg's outfit and prop and gulps before continuing with slight hesitation._

B-B: Performing?

Meg: I'll be performing Good 'n' Evil from Jekyll & Hyde!

Everyone else: HUH?

Meg: It's a musical from wherever the hell she came from (points to B-B)!

B-B: You're doing the song I'm performing at International Thespians Festival? Oh no..

Reyer: What's a musical?

B-B: It's a play in which you sing and dance to act out a story on stage.

Nadir: So it's like Opera?

B-B: NO. They are very different. Meg,where'd you get the music?

Meg: You brought the Broadway Selections Book with you!

_Meg holds up the Broadway Selections Sheet Music Book._

B-B: So I did...Who's your piano player?

Meg: I dunno...that guy?

_Meg points at a very lost member of the orchestra who is attempting to restore Reyer's sanity after the whole Carlotta/Daisy Duke thing. He is unsuccessful. The pianist sees Meg pointing to him. He walks over._

Piano guy: Yes, Mlle Giry?

Meg: You play piano?

Piano guy: Yes.

Meg: What's your name?

Piano guy: Um...I'm Reyer's son, Adrian.

Adrian Brody fans: WOO HOO!

Meg: Okay, well sit your butt over here and play this.

Adrian: (unsuredly) Umm...okay...

_The songs begins to play as the stagelights go RED. Meg appears center stage and begins to sing._

Meg:

Good and Evil

And their Merits

Men have argued through history

As well they should!

(she snaps the riding prop onto the judges table)

Raoul: Nadir, I'm scared...

Nadir: Me too, Raoul, me too.

Meg:

My philosophy...

(she goes over to Erik and strokes his chin)

Any CHILD can see...

Erik: (nervously)Um...Meg...

Meg:

(runs backward and points likes she's discovered something)

Good is EVIL!

And therefore all evil is...

(she salutes the audience)

Good!

_At this point, the tempo of the music changes and it becomes faster. Meg twirls around stage (REALLY well, considering she's been training in ballet her whole life) using the riding prop as a sort of cane (but not in the same way her mother did) . She begins to walk down into the judges area._

Meg:

How do you tell Evil (motions to Erik) from good (motions to Raoul)

Evil does well! Good...

(takes Erik's lasso and semi-punjabs Raoul)

Raoul: ACK!

Meg: (smile) Not so good!

Erik: You know, she is smarter than Christine in a lot of ways...

EM phans: DAMN STRAIGHT!

ER phans: Straight? awwww...

Meg:

Evil's the one that is free everywhere,

Good is the one that they SELL!

(At this point, she's uses the riding prop in the same way her mother did the cane)

You must decide which is heaven (points to sky), which is

(takes the riding prop and slides it downward , catching it between her legs)

HELL!

Everyone: (jaw drops as their eyes follow her movements)

B-B: Oh god, the men with white coats are gonna get me...

_Meg walks over to the managers as she sings the next line._

Meg:

Good men maintain evil's a CURSE!

(strokes their hair and plays with Moncharmin's mustache)

Moncharmin: Squee...

Meg:

But it is plain, good's...

(she bring their heads close to her chest and then knocks their skulls together)

EVEN WORSE!

Erik: Yeah!

R & Mon: (are seeing little flying phantoms twirling around their heads)

Meg:

(walks toward Erik then makes a beeline for Raoul, who shivers)

Evil's the one that they tell you to shun

(grabs Raoul by his hair and presses him against her cheek)

Good is the one to embrace!

Raoul: ACK! MY HAIR!

Meg:

Say that and Satan will laugh..

Right in your face!

(lets Raoul go and goes over to Erik)

Erik: Hi, Meg...

_Meg takes Erik by the hand and pulls him onto stage with her._

Meg:

The battle between Good and Evil

goes back to the start

(begins to undo Erik's shirt and vest)

Adam and Eve and the Apple

(rips open his shirt)

Tore Eden apart!

Erik: (nervously)..Meg?

Meg:

The key thing about Good and Evil,

Each man has to choose

(As she says the next line she gently slides him downward till he's flat on his back on the stage)

Heaven n' hell is a helluva gamble to lose...

Erik: (louder and with greater anxiety) Meg..!

Meg:

But as I peruse..

(she "peruses" Erik)

This world we abuse..

Erik: (sharply) Meg...

Meg:

It's hell that we choose..

(sits on top of Erik and pins him down)

Erik: (falsetto) MEG!

Meg: (grins) And Heaven must lose!

Evil is everywhere, good doesn't have a prayer

Good is commendable, evil's defendable

Evil is viable Good's unreliable

Good may be thankable, EVIL is BANKABLE!

Mme. Giry : (peaking from behind the curtain at the last few actions of her daughter) Vell, she ees a danser..

_B-B, as your alter-ego, I REFUSE to describe Meg's last few actions to the audience._

B-B: Permission granted...I don't HOW to describe what she just did..

Raoul: (in a girlishly high voice) I'll NEVER be able to watch SEABISCUIT again!

_Thanks,Raoul. That did it. As she finishes the line, "evil is bankable," she...she.._.

B-B:...Dismounts?

_Yeah...Erik and goes back toward center stage and proceeds to belt the finale of the song._

Meg:

EVIL's for ME! You can have good!

(points to the Christine mannequin in the corner)

Doesn't suit me to be...

(looks at Raoul)

ROBIN HOOD!

Raoul: (growl mumble mumble) I'm not the one with Christine's stockings...

Meg:

S'easier by far from the way that things are to remain Good 'n' Evil---

Then try to be E-----vi----l...and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

(The lights fade back to normal as Meg strikes a sultry pose, one hand on her corset, the other extended toward the judges)

Everyone: Oo0

Meg: So, how'd I do!

_Everyone has managed to get back in their seats (everyone meaning Erik), and are quite without words.._

Meg: Well, whaddya think!

B-B: What do I think? WHAT DO I THINK? I think my phic will have to go from a T to an M ratings thanks to your...your...

Meg: Audience participation?

Mme. Giry: If zat's vat you girls are calling eet zese dayz...

Meg: But what do the judges think?

_The judges are still silent, Raoul's jaw is gaping open, and Nadir's eyes look like fried eggs. Erik speaks up._

Erik: Meg, I think I can speak for every man here when I say that--even though we're all sitting down--we're giving you a STANDING OVATION.

Rest of the judges: (nod silently)

Meg: Yes! (does a happy ballet victory dance)

B-B: AHEM! Judges?

R &Mon: 10.

Nadir: 20.

Raoul: I abstain...(under his breath) for the rest of my life.

B-B: Erik?

Erik: 25---

Meg: That's it?

Erik: million, 6 hundred, 47 thousand and 83.

B-B: Okay, that makes...Help?

_You're hopeless. A calculator magically falls through the gaping plothole because SOMEONE can't do simple addition._

B-B: Thanks, alter-ego...Meg's final score is 25,647,113!

Meg: (turns to Erik) Thanks for helping me score so much..

B-B: (grabs Meg by the arm) BACKSTAGE!

_Nadir hits the gong (his eyes still are the size of fried eggs), as B-B drags a very happy Meg off stage for a long talk about the rating system. Meanwhile , the judges just sort of stare at each other._

Moncharmin: So..umm...who needs to take a dip in M. le Fantome's lake?

_All the present men in the lair and several reviewing male fanfic readers raise their hands. Oh, and Raoul raises his hand too._

Erik: To the lake!

_The worst of it had to be over..but alas, something even stranger than before was yet to come:_

_EOW/EOC!_

--------------------

Authoress' notes:

I don't know a thing about math, so forgive me. Adrian is a reference to Adrian Brody from the Pianist.

The standing ovation line? Yeah, that's from The Producers! (squee).

And for those of you who haven't seen Seabiscuit, it's a movie about a race horse. The line is a reference to Meet the Fockers, where Gaylord says " You were RIDING HIM like SEABISCUIT!"

The song Meg (cough) performs is called "Good 'n'Evil", and it's from the musical Jekyll & Hyde by Frank Wildhorn and Leslie Bricusse. I'm performing this song at festival! SQUEE! I'm such a jekkie. Anyway, A lot of EM phics have Meg somehow "lead Erik out the darkness" and turn him from evil to good. This song is about human nature and how being evil is kick-ass in so many ways. It is sung by Lucy Harris (Hyde's cockney mistress) in a brothel/burlesque house called the Red Rat. It's very sexual and fitting for my purposes, and so I used it as Meg's song. None of the lyrics have been changed.

This phic is in no way meant to desecrate the awesomeness of Jekyll & Hyde or the character Lucy (who is my favorite female persona from a musical ever, seconded only by Velma Kelly from Chicago). I just happened to choose this song for Meg. Please remember: I am trying to be SADISTICALLY and SARCASTICALLY HUMOROUS in an attempt to TEACH PEOPLE. This phic is not about bashing, it's about learning.

Unless you ship Erik x Raoul. Then it's bashing:-)

"Bring on the Men" was the initial song sung by Lucy, before it was changed to the better-suited "Good n' Evil", thus the title of this chapter, "Bring on the FLUFF!"

Oh, and this chapter is a birthday present to a fellow EM shipper whose birthday was just a day or two ago...Happy Birthday! And here's a present for everyone:

I am planning SEQUELS.

Not one, not two, but THREE sequels to this phic...Meg?

_Meg appears to help narrate._

Meg: Hi! The next phic will deal with Non-Erik pairings, such as RC, NM, M x other man, and...RM. It will be hosted by moi--

And yours truly..

Meg: And will be titled:

**_Raoul and I did WHAT!_**

Enjoy. All four phics I've planned ( **_Erik x WHO, Raoul and I did WHAT, Meg put my mask WHERE, and They took out the Persian WHY?_**) are going to take a long time to finish and will not be hosted here (see note at beginning). They will all deal with problems in phanphiction, except for They took out the Persian WHY, which will be hosted by Gaston Leroux and discusses his objections to various forms of Phantom. :-) More specs in the next chapter!

Hints for upcoming chapter:

B-B: Her name will soon be up in lights. If they can find enough bulbs...

EOC/EOW Good Writers: Are mentioned and applauded.

EOC/EOW "Writers": Will be insulted by the truth.

And I leave you all with this final thought before we part ( a la Chris Rock : Bigger and Blacker):

No matter what the Phantom tells you, there should be no sex in the Creepy Lair o' Music. NONE.


	5. Marie Sue Must DIE

**UPDATE: 11/4/05**

**There is a huge flaw in the phic no one has mentioned in their review! The was a purposeful flaw of the operatic kind (eyes Britomartis as if to say "Hellooo?"). Point it out and you get props in the next chapter. This mistake goes to show something about suephics.**

Disclaimer: I own none of the licensed and/or copyrighted materials mentioned/parodied/referenced. They belong to their respective owners. Heck, I don't even hold stock. Some of the ideas for Mary-Sue me in this chapter come from an excellent phic called _Mary Sue is not the Energizer Bunny_ by Britomartis, and his phics inspired this chapter.

This chapter was originally intended to bash EOW phanfic convention, but a new horror has come to my attention: **E...O...C.** This genre of phanphiction is usually hellacious in its Mary-Sue nature, lax in its historical and literary accuracy, and usually involves an alternate or "other" Christine (OC) who is transported back in time to Opera Populaire (where else would an OC go, London? Oh wait...yeah. Oops) and auditions with no prior training and does perfectly and Erik loves her immediately and the readers barf. In case you haven't noticed, I _**HATE**_ Mary Sues. They can ruin a perfectly good phic by turning it into a dull, flat, super-happy love story with no depth. I mean, c'mon, I've seen Erik x Raoul phics with more substance!

ER phans: SUBSTANCE! (roaring with laughter) hheheheheheheh...!

You know what I mean! So with these horrors in mind, I decided to make this an EMS (Erik x Mary-Sue)bash. By the time I'm done, they'll need the EMS (Emergency Medical Squadron). Enjoy, and may the fop--errr...Mary-Sue (constructive) bashing begin!

I'm sorry about the lack of replies to reviewers this time, but a huge ass hurricane just hit FL, and I probably won't have time to work on anything else due to its ill timing.

**Raine K. Grayson: **_Any other random stuff belongs to its respective owners, pas moi.-Disclaimer from Chapter 4_. I don't have time to always go back and list every little thing I reference. So that song belongs under the category of "any other random stuff". Pas moi is french for "not me". But I always have a disclaimer.It's a chance to use my humor more:-)

BTW-Which is better for Raoul: _Stayin Alive_ or _Like a Virgin_? I'm leaning toward _Like a Virgin_.

And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:

--------------------------------------------

Erik x **_WHO?_**

Chapter 5: Mary Sue Must Die

_In Which the Self-Inserted Authoress...Woah. Self-Insert?That just sounds wrong...Ummm..Mary Sue bashing!_

--

_The judges and contestants who had already gone were now seated in front of the stage. B-B was just having a teensy bit of trouble with her act._

B-B: NO I'M NOT! I just don't wanna be a Sue!

_B-B...You know that's not true._

B-B: Yeah, you're right. I _do_ wish I were Mary Sue..(under her breath) _that bitch has everything_.

_Just at that moment, something amazing and highly expected happened. A huge portal opened and three good fairies appeared, bearing gifts._

Erik: You've got to be effing kidding me..

Nadir: (hums the Theme of the Three Good Fairies from Disney's _Sleeping Beauty_)

_The tallest and pinkest of these fairies stepped forward._

Tallpinkfaery: Greetings, my little one! Do not fear! We come bringing gifts to write your Sue phic!

_The tall pink faery waved her wand over B-B._

Tallpinkfaery: Sweet Mary Sue, my gift shall be the gift of the Gaping Plothole Device!

B-B: The what?

Randomly-Inserted Disney Choir:

_One gift...gaping plots.._

_All the purists killed by these thoughts.._

_Historical inaccuracy and random illnesses restored_

_But with Mary Sues one can never be bored!_

B-B: (O.o)

_Suddenly, randomly, and not that unexpectedly, a machine that looked very much like a laptop computer fell through a gaping plothole._

B-B: Wow. Thanks...but how does this run in 1875?

Tallpinkfaery: The magic of your perfectness as a Sue and the pure love energy from your heart are its source of power!

B-B: Wow...okay. I'm not sure I have pure love energy yet...

_Then the mid-height green one stepped forward._

Midgreenfaery: Dearest Sue, my gift shall be the gift of unrealistic perfection!

Randomly-Inserted Disney choir:

_One gift..infallibility of song_

_Dance or sing, you can't go wrong!_

_No matter how dumb or stupid you may be,_

_Everyone will love you, just wait and see!_

(sparkley sparkle sparkle)

_As the green faery finishes her incantation, B-B's hair suddenly turns a shocking blonde, her eyes blue like sapphires, her hair magically wavy and managable._

Raoul: NO! Choose me! I want pretty Mary Sue hair!

B-B: Holy moly! I look freaking awesome, like totally!

Everyone: (SILENCE)

B-B: I mean...I have pretty straight hair! Thank you sosososososososo much!

_Then a short blue faery steps toward her._

Shortbluefaery: Oh darling Mary Sue, if indeed through some Phantom's trick, Carlotta does end up sick, a ray of light for you I see, in this the gift I give to thee.. Not in these clothes, but new ones later, with this the random costume generator!

Randomly-Inserted Disney Choir:

_For sparkly costume changes conquer physics' laws!_

B-B: I think I'm gonna like this pen..

_B-B holds up a pink, sparkly pen with a big jewel on top._

Threefaeries: Now, become a Mary Sue, you magically already know the words! (they float/fly away)

B-B: (a la Sailor Moon) MARY SUE CRYSTAL PRISM SPARKLE POWER...MAKE UP!

Erik: Mary Sue? (grabs Authoress pairings guide) Chapter 6 and 7, EOW and EOC...(flips pages)

Meg: Oh look, they have samples!

_They read._

Raoul: Nadir! I want sparkle crystal prism make up too!

Nadir: Crystal prism sparkle power, you mean.

_The stage lights suddenly blind everyone (don't worry, their vision's magically restored via gaping plothole device) as B-B's long skirt and t-shirt change into the same gown Christine wore in "Think of Me" only it is pink and has white roses instead of sparkly stars._

B-B: Champion of love and fluffly perfection, I am Marie Christine Erica Esmeralda Belle Jasmine Aurora Aminta Selene Satine Danielle Crepe-Suzette!

Everyone: (blink)

Richard: Is that with three Cs?

MCEEBJAASSDC-S: (nods) But for short, everyone just calls me Marie Sue!

Everyone: (a la AA) Hi, Marie Sue!

Marie Sue: (giggle smile faint revive giggle sparkle shiny smile)

EOW/EOC phans: OMG liek sh3's teh purrt33 liek m3 lol! XD

Erik: (finishes reading Marianne Brandon's phanfiction) God! At least one person knows what the heck they're doing!

_Reyer._

Reyer: (almost to the point of insanity) Y..y..yy.yess?

_Since other in-phic me is..well...incapable of handling complex thoughts and numbers, I appoint you temporary Master of Ceremonies._

Reyer: Okay...(turns to Marie Sue) What will you be singing?

Marie Sue: Hmm..I don't know, I'm so naive..(tee hee)

EOW/EOC: Liek u gotta sin9 teh Think of Me lol 1337!

Marie Sue: Erik, my angel, what would you have me sing?

_Erik has just finished reading the other, more common poorly written EOW/EOC phics. He takes a breath of air before smiling kindly at her to mask his insane hatred._

Erik: Well, Marie dear, I don't really give a damn, as long as you DON'T sing the "Es-ce toi?" aria from _Faust._

Marie Sue: You mean the one that goes..

_Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaahaaaaaahhhahahhhhhhhhhhh..._

_Que voix-je ici dans ce miroir?_

_Es-ce toi, Marguerite? Es-toi? Reponds-moi!_

_Reponds, reponds, reponds vite!_

_aAAAAHaahahahhhhaahah...NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!_

Everyone else: (earplugs/cover ears/suicide)

Bat: (dies)

Marie Sue: _C'est la fille d'un rOOOOOOoooooooiiiiiiiiIIIIII!_

Erik: YES, _THAT _one!

Reyer: (from distance) You SUCK!

_Reyer! As narrating authoress, I demand you stick to the theme of the phic!_

Reyer: What theme is that?

_Mary Sue is INFALLIBLE. To prove her wrong would, in essence, unmake existence._

Reyer: Fine...(sarcastically) Great job Marie Sue, now what song will you be performing for us for the competition?

Meg: Well...she's a Swedish dumb blonde with vocal chords and a low IQ...

Erik: (is scared)

Raoul: I WANT HER HAIR AND SHINY CHANGEY PEN!

Nadir: Settle down, Your fopness.

Marie Sue: I've got it!

Mme. Giry: Ooove gott ze song?

Marie Sue: (finishes eating cheesecake and drinking soda)No! I've got _IT_!

_The gaping plothole device suddenly goes off and a full musical theatre orchestra spontanously generates. Marie Sue's costume magically changes from the psuedo-Christine Think of Me gown to a very short and sexy white dress._

Adrian: (piano)

Marie Sue ( a la Ulla):

_Ven you got it, FLAUNT IT._

_Step right out and stroot yur stoof!_

_People tell yu modesty's a wirtue.._

_But in ze sheater modesty can urt yu!_

Erik: The sheater?

M.Giry: She means ze sheater.

Erik: (grumble) Thanks for clearing that up, Antoinette..

Marie Sue:

_Ven you got it, FLAUNT IT!_

_Show yur assets, let shem know yur proud!_

_Yeer gooties yu must poosh!_

_Stick yur chest out, shake yur tush! _(she does so)

_Ven you got it, show it out loud!_

(all music suddenly comes to a hault)

_Marie Sue turns to the audience and very sternly adresses them._

Marie Sue: Now, Marie Sue **_DANCE_**!

_She does so...sort-of. Calypso jazzy music begins to play as her costume changes into bellbottoms and a tank top and she does the conga a la Charro. The she transforms into Chiquita Banana and starts to do some modern Latin dance, all the while making tiny orgasmic sounds. When the music returns to normal, so does her clothing. Everyone in the audience has NO IDEA what the hell she's doing..It sort-of looks like she's trying to molest herself on stage._

Marie Sue:

_Ven you got it.._(tee hee) _SHOW it!_

_Poot yur eedin treasures on display!_

( shimmies toward Erik)

_Wionlinists love to play an E string.._

(shashays toward Raoul)

_But ouwdiences willy luv a G-STRING!_

Raoul: ACK! Why does everyone keep saying that!

Nadir: Raoul, I'd watch your back.

Raoul: My back? (tugs sign off back of his..back) AGH! How dare you, fiend!

Nadir: (snicker snicker)

Marie Sue:

_Ven you got it, shout it!_

_Let the 'ole vorld hear vat yur aboud!_

_Oooh, clothes may make ze man,_

_All a girl needs is a tan!_

_Ven you got it, let it hang out!_

Gerik phans: (giggle)

Marie Sue: Remember ven Marie Sue dance!

Everyone: (dejectedly) Yeah.

Marie Sue: _Marie Sue dance **again**_!

_This time, the music is much more strip-joint, and she does some freak dancing in a white and black polkadot bikini. As the pace turns more cabaret, she is joined by the insatiable Dread Pirate Robert Corps de Ballet, who surround her and do the can-can with her (her dress is now Moulin Rouge). As the music stops, the men suddenly turn to snow, and she is dressed in traditional Swedish apparel._

Marie Sue;

_Ven I was yust a little girl in Sveden,_

_My tautful mosher gave me dis adwice.._

(demonstrates the next lines with her hands)

_Ven nature blesses you from top to bottom.._

_Zen show zat top to bottom, don't shink tvice!_

Everyone: (wtf)

Marie Sue: Now, Marie Sue **_belt_**!

_DON'T SHINK TVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!_

_Ven you got it, share it!_

_Let ze public feast upon yur charms!_

_People say that being prim esh proper,_

_But ewery showgirl knows zat prim vill stop er!_

_If you got it, give it!_

_Don't be selvish give it all avay!_

(DPR Corps de Ballet in tuxes and top hats dance around her)

Don't be shy, be bold and cute!

(DPRCDB tap dance vith er)

Show ze boys yur birshday suit!

(poses with the DPRCDB a la Roxy Hart)

_Ven you got it.._

_If you got it..._

_Vonce oo got it..shout out_

_HUUUUUUUURRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!_

(poses perfectly in the end, as DPRCDB vanish)

Marie Sue: You like it!

_Everyone is speechless. During the finale, she had done the macarena, the electric slide, the tootsie role, the Charleston, and each time her costume had changed. In fact, the random costume generator had kept flashing between pink and blue until it had exploded (causing Raoul great distress). Marie Sue was currently wearing a lavelier that went all the way down to her waist, splattered in blue and pink._

Erik: This is it..I'm going to die of insanity. It can't get much worse..

Meg: Oh _yes_ it can...(reading Chapter 8: Slashity Slash Yaoi)

_Okay..how is she going to get back to normal now for the judging?_

Moncharmin: You're narrating authoress, you figure it out!

_Damn, I thought you guys would say that...Okay, here goes. Marie Sue suddenly fainted, drained of her life by means of plot device. Her hair and clothing began to return to normal, as B-B sat up off the floor._

B-B: What happened to me...?(rubs head)

Nadir: Only the worst thing imaginable.

B-B: (wide eyed) I...I..I.. I was a SUE! (hitch pitch scream) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Erik: Please don't sing again!

Reyer: Shall I get on with the judging?

_Please do._

Reyer: Erik? Raoul? Nadir? Directors?

Erik: Abstain.

Raoul: 2300!

_Everyone looks at Raoul._

Raoul: What! She was SHINY...

Nadir: Kill me now please..

Erik: (snicker tug lasso)

Nadir: Metaphorically! I give her a 7..such spirited dancing..

Meg: Spirited? HAH! (thinks of showing Erik _her_ spirited dancing...when they're alone..)

Moncharmin: Well, let's see..how bout a nice solid 5?

Richard: Agreed!

B-B: You guys have voted the same everytime! People are gonna think you're a couple or something! I mean--oh wait! That's my score! Nevermind!

R&M: (mumble grumble)

Reyer: Then Marie Christine Erica Esmeralda Belle Jasmine Aurora Aminta Selene Satine Danielle Crepe-Suzette's final score is..2312!

_Nadir hits the gong. _**G**_ong, Kay phans. Not bong, gong. 3 XD lol _

B-B: Stop doing AOL stuff!

_STFU Marie Sue! Liek I 4M teh roxxors lol!_

B-B: Grrrrrr...

Reyer: And that leaves her second with Meg in the lead..

B-B: WAIT! There's something you all should know!

Everyone: What!

B-B: I'm pregnant with Erik's three month old, fully formed child!

Erik: WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT! (rage)

B-B: ------NOT! Just kidding!

_Erik runs over to her and lassoes her._

Erik: Don't EVER do that to me again! I'd rather be dead!

_That's usually what ends up happening._

Erik: I read your sample book! I KNOW! (sob)

B-B: Well, at least I'm back to normal! (teehee sparkle)

_As Erik goes off into his room to exhaust his anger and anguish, everyone else just look one another and twiddle their thumbs. Nadir plays with Erik's dolls. Raoul cries over the loss of the shiny pen. Madame Giry is tapping her cane to the tune of the Addams family. Reyer is banging his head against a wall, saying something along the lines of " Never in all my days has such a presumptious bitch" or something. Meg reads some more slash samples out of B-B's Authoress Guide and laughs hysterically. The contest was drawing to an end, and all the girls eligible for Erik's love had been tested.._

_But not the guys._

_--------------------_

Authoress' notes:

This is what I consider one of my best parodies of all time. I was wondering how to transform into a Mary Sue, and Sailor Moon's henshin phrase seemed perfect. A lot of Sues I read have insanely weird or long hard-to-pronounce names, hence MCEEBJAASSDC-S.

Marianne Brandon is one of the only writers I have read any of who even tries to form a good EOW/EOC story. Kudos to her. I will go back and review as soon as I get the time.

I could go in to what I HATE about musical inaccuracy in Mary Sue phics, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to lecture you on proper writing. You want your lecture on being PC, read _Mary Sue is not an Energizer Bunny_. I think it's important to do your research to write well, too. That's why I'm being forced to read poorly written slash phics to write the next chapters (you people better love me for this, cause the one I'm reading now involves...torture). What you are failing to realize when you write is the purpose of Mary Sue (the ideal female chracter) herself.

Static characters BORING CHEESE. Making your main female character a Sue is a one-way ticket to disaster. Now, I'm not saying Sues are always bad. There are times they are necessary. Take a fictonal story I've been working on offline in which a girl becomes evil because of her covetous pride and jealousy over another girl's triumphs. Other girl? Yep, she's a Sue. But she's at least a REALISTIC Sue. With Other Christines that transport back through time, all writing seems to be a series of unlikely (and stupid) events. And many phics by different authors use the exact same storyline! It sucks! No one wants to read garbage like that. Where's your theme? "Mary Sued me will win Erik if she sings Britney Spears?" If Swedish prima donna Ulla (wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah) Inga Hansen Hensen Tvallen Tsvaden Tsvanson can't get him, then he sure as ain't going for Christiana Amber Rosalinda Therese Suzine or even Jeanne Hannah Jessica Serena Zelda Georges. Not to mention the horrid optimism I want to tear to pieces--Erik and Marie seem to have not a care in the world and everything is perfect for them. WHERE'S THE STRENGTH IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP IF THEY HAVE NOTHING TO OVERCOME? Erik and Christine never had a fairytale Sleeping Beauty romance to begin with (and if I hear one more person who hasn't read the book say that they're "soulmates" I'll slap him/her so hard he/she'll wish he/she were Raoul), and all this static predictable plotline does is make your writing not only bad thematically, but boring and unentertaining to read. Angst is your friend, use it!

And no, Mary Sue being picked on by the other girls is NOT angst. Nor is her going magically blind. And just cause something happens in a movie, doesn't mean it sounds good on paper. Meaning, the random costume-changing power has got to go. That belongs to Sailor Moon, and she's already got Tuxedo Mask for you EOC/EOW phans to glomp on. He's Erik enough as it is, and he doesn't have a deformity (despite his falling off a cliff onto jagged rocks while trapped inside a car). Leave poor Erik alone!

And when you start a story, think of the ending first. I know that sounds wierd, but if you plan ahead before you write, you'll sound more constructive and you'll better convey your purpose.

"I wanted to be with Erik cuz h3's teh HAWT sexxors! lol" is not a purpose.

Now I have to read slash (shudder). Any suggestion as to what Raoul will sing?

Ideas people have thrown at me:

_Hit me Baby One more Time_

_YMCA_

_Stayin Alive_

_Like a Virgin_

_I'm Too Sexy_

_I Feel Pretty_

And personally, I really like:

_The Pokemon English Theme_

Please review with your comments and suggestions. And _Phantom in 15 Minutes _owns the Dread Pirate Roberts Corps de Ballet.


End file.
